The Psyche Speaks

Snap Out of It To-Do List

2012-01-15T04:48:00.000-08:00

Boxing will religiously be on a TThS schedule.
Jogging must be mornings of MWF (if possible / doable).
Get a new 'do.
Set up an appointment for skin allergies.
Always look picture perfect, anytime, anywhere!
Fix work and school schedule.
Download good vibes music.
Find the perfect swimwear for this summer.
Write more. Read (more).
Keep yourself busy, busy, busy!

HGA: A Timeless Tale

2012-01-09T06:48:00.000-08:00

*entry migrated from my old blog; originally written June 2, 2009*

I opened my drawer and saw my soiled vest with number 6 imprinted on it, with messages written by some of my co-participants already smudged with ink. The blindfold looked as if it had not been used. The poem handouts with dry droplets of water from the rain and stains of soil on its edges. The yellow envelope, with the number 6 on it, where in it are congratulatory messages from my co-participants and the HGA staff. I took a breath and in a flash, all the Higher Ground Adventure memories streamed like timeless scenes from a movie in my head. Looking back at those moments, there was a gush of indescribable emotions altogether. I remember the rainy weather, the muddy tracks, and the whistle blows.

When my mom asked me to join as a participant of the Higher Ground Adventure, only one answer came to mind, no way! With little time to think, my mom’s persuasive tactics and being a little intrigued about the training paved way to me agreeing to it eventually, not knowing what exactly was I getting myself into. I have had all kinds of access to the HGA activities through pictures and tips from here and there, but I wanted to know as little as possible since all the buzz I heard made me even more anxious and extremely petrified.

At the HGA briefing, It was given emphasis that we expect “spartan conditions” and always “expect the unexpected”. I looked around and noticed my co-participants acting so excited about it while I was telling myself “Uh oh! I’m doomed.” I haven’t even gone camping or set up a tent on my own at the very least. Also, I was so worried that I would feel like an outcast with the group since they already knew each other and I was just a newbie. I was thinking about backing out since my brother was telling me all sorts of things about the training that got me even more panicky and nervous. He told me, “Bawal maarte don!” and I immediately said to myself “Oh no! Maarte ako.” I thought of all kinds of excuses for backing out like I might have an asthma attack to I take a bath too long to I’m not the sporty /outdoor type to I can’t possibly survive that kind of training and come out alive. It was as if I was going to have an anxiety attack without even reaching Day One.

After a not-so-good-night-sleep, the inevitable day came. It was Higher Ground Adventure time. I came in as “the daughter of Kuya Ed and Ate Chit” and it just felt too awkward at first. Then I was given my vest which had number 6 imprinted on it. I was no longer “the daughter”, I became number 6, a part of the group, one of the fourteen. I learned that I am no different from my co-participants. In many ways than one, we were the same. We take wrong turns in life, and although we may not have similar stories to tell, I was able to relate to each one of them somehow. I remember one of them say, “No, You’re part of the family.” It was a great feeling to be part of the group, part of the family. More than anything else, I gained new friends and lasting memories I will forever cherish. It was the very first time that I truly felt a part of Seagulls, a part of what my parents have been passionate about for all these years.

The moment I put on my vest with my designated number, I had no idea I was taking on a new challenge to be a better person. And so it seems, that’s not something that happens overnight. Before I experienced the HGA, I thought I was “okay”. Having gone through the rigid three days, I began to realize that there is something better out there than just “okay”. Just like Jonathan Livingston Seagull who didn’t want to be just like every other seagull, I do not want to be like everybody else. I don’t want to settle for what is readily available but rather rise up from a struggle and cherish the journey.

I fell several times. Not once, not twice, not thrice, but a little bit more than that. And I’m glad I did experience falling. Falling and rising up after felt so refreshing. Falling does not mean defeat neither failure rather a reason to hold on to the rope, hold on to your life, and never let go. Sometimes we lose hope when something unfortunate and terrible happens to us, we lose ourselves. But sometimes all we need is to make a wrong turn to get right back on track, no matter how ironic it sounds. It’s a test of faith to rise up to challenges, try again and never say “never”.

I have never felt so alive. I saw life from a different light, the kind that makes me want to wake up every morning with a smile on my face and enthusiasm in my heart. No matter how unpredictable and strange life can be, having gone through the HGA, it’s as if I can do anything if I think I can. There is nothing too far, nothing too difficult, and nothing impossible to reach.

I think no one ever does understand why life is the way it is, and we may never even find answers to all our questions. But not knowing what might come my way is a beautiful thing. The first time I was blindfolded, I was so scared. I have always dreaded blindfolds and total darkness. It makes me feel helpless and weak. I slowly grew into it and learned to trust the people around me and most importantly myself. I know for a fact that I have not always been responsible and independent. And I discovered that I can be if I wanted to. There is no one else who can take charge of my life but me. Indeed, I am the captain of my own flagship.

As the three days flew by like bliss, number 6 became “me”, probably a better version of me. Time flew fast from Day One to Day Two, and before I knew it, it was Day Three and I reached the end of tunnel --- Graduation. I could not believe it, I made it. The wounds and bruises on my arms and legs were gone about two weeks after the training but the lessons I have learned will forever remain in my heart. It did not matter if I bruised my arm, broke a nail, cried a bucket of tears or hurt my back. The struggles and hardships during the HGA were all worth it, especially when I heard these two very familiar voices, my mom and dad, say “I love you Coco” when I found my number, when I found my life. It was simply priceless. Family makes me hold on and never let go of my life. Things may not be perfect all the time, but nonetheless, we carry on.

The Higher Ground Adventure is over, but it is definitely not an ending. It is rather just the beginning of something brighter and better. I will forever remember and cherish the memories, the friendship, the challenges and triumphs, and everything I learned. Ink may fade on paper but my HGA experience will remain a lasting imprint on my heart, like a timeless tale that never gets old.

The Year 2011 Series

2012-01-06T03:33:00.001-08:00

Pause.

Before two-zero-one-two actually sinks and sets in, there is a need for me pause, write and blog. As my goal is to resurrect my blog and at the same time use blogging as a tool to translate emotions into something seemingly creative (or atleast an attempt to sound creative). Looking back, too many events flash in my head like one crazy movie, why not just make use of it. Rewind to a few momentous events of my year 2011 that stood out one way or the other.

Three. Two. One…we lit up the sky for year 2011.

JANUARY

First time to celebrate the New Year at the facility, our second family, our second home in Tagaytay. I, for one welcomed 2011 in polka hearts, in the hopes that my year will be filled with la la love. Keyword: hopes

Holidays 2011 went by too quickly for me. I didn't even notice I was back north once again...back to work. Since I wasn't eligible for any vacation leaves yet, most of my work friends and I practically spent the holidays at 5F South America. Though I must say, we've had our own little ways of keeping the holiday spirit alive. Note: The group picture above was taken 1.11.11. when my friends and I were planning our next adventure (after our first beach trip together in Davao).

...then welcomed the new year with more lunch, dinner and after dinner dates. Hot chocolate, pancakes, chocolate cake --- have become "rewards" for those hard and stressful days at work (sometimes really just to satisfy the sweet tooth). Looking back at those times, I realize how much I have drowned myself into what I have dedicated myself into doing. I let it swallow me whole and take over my life.

FEBRUARY

TheDonofrio Tragedy that brought everyone together -- As they say, everything happens for a reason and this one brought our IST team closer and stronger at the end of the day. I was, more than ever, proud to be part of the team.

An IST Team Dinnerwith Camellia (the coolest boss ever) as she announces she's getting married and leaving her role as our Lead (slash leavingPh and the team). To my surprise, it was a start of a series of b*tching about work (and everything in between), Pasto dinners and a crazy/beautiful friendship. :)

MARCH

The birthday month. Never be too busy for birthdays --- that's one of my mantras. My birthday marked Treasure Hunt history in 5F South America. Sincerely, it was one of the best surprises ever. Nostalgic, meaningful and just perfectly personal running around Eastwood to reach my wondrous treasures for birthday lunch -- my IBM friends at The Flying Pig (when it used to be our happy place). Note: That birthday surprise became a benchmark for the rest of birthday surprises that followed.

North met South at one of the legendary places in Ryan C. history - Jack's Loft. Glad to have my best girlfriends with me to celebrate. :) Oh, how can I forget that random drive to High Street.

The most anticipated beach trip to Bohol -- A good break from our busy lives to somewhere far far away from all our worries in the city (specifically Eastwood City ;p ). Climbed up the seemingly endless staircase to see the Chocolate Hills (and it was worth it). Hello to the tarsiers -- met different characters (like the seven dwarves): grumpy (the angry looking), sleepy, bashful...and so on. Oh and I didn't expect tarsiers to be tiny. I once thought they were almost the size of monkeys (excuse my ignorance).

APRIL

A few interesting Firsts in the month of April. First time to fly alone (literally be on a plane alone, without anyone I know), travel alone and attend a friend's wedding. It was a great feeling of independence and liberty. Nothing lonely or anything like that. New faces, new friends, great people. KL felt homey, probably because I looked like one of the locals and the environment wasn't very far from Manila. Well for the most part because my hosts were very accommodating and hospitable, not far from the Filipino ways, Cam's family and Tun's family always made sure I was having a good time. It wasn't too difficult to mesh with the group. First time to party with the boss and the big boss of IST --- that was awesome! In my head I was saying, "OMG. This is just too cool". Met IBM folks from different parts of the world. Unlike in Manila, where parties can end up to 'sawa', there's a 2 AM curfew in KL. I loved how KL is full of culture and...nice shoes. :D VINCCI was heaven to me (as one of the pictures above clearly shows). I was seriously started thinking about moving my life in KL. Yes, I was that ecstatic about my trip.

At the Royal Lake Club for Camellia and Ayyappa's wedding reception. Family and friends raised glasses wishing the newly weds the best of luck, love and happiness...before settling into the wild, AKA Kenya in Africa. The night also seemed like a 'meet and greet the IBM folks' session to me since I finally met those people I only interface with through email or sametime or see names on DTP in person. Weddings...I guess they have a way of making you wish someday you'll get there too. :)

When I got back to Manila, I was recharged, refreshed and renewed. Though separation anxiety started to kick in too... :( Then again, thanks to BlackBerry for always keeping us connected.

MAY

Handprints. Let's just say it's a testament to a 'better version' of you. This time of the year, we got the better version of our brother, Josh. I am a proud sister. Besides graduations, he began a new chapter of his life as a...college boy.

The JASH Weekend. After what felt like a gazillion years, JASH IS BACK! Well atleast for one weekend, we had our friend back all to ourselves. At first it was a little bit awkward, probably since it has been a very LONG time since we last saw Jash but in no time, I realized...same old Jash, except with a Canadian accent. So...we partied on a Friday night at 7th High. I guess partied too hard and lost my blackberry. It was my FIRST time ever to lose a cellphone (not to mention, one I bought with my earned money). Yes, it was depressing. Moving on, it was another sleepover at the north pad (28F), where everyone tried to fit themselves to sleep. From the north to THE south experience --- Alabang, Nuvali, Solenad...A visit to our Alma Mater, St. Scho, as we relive the timeless classroom, pergola, music room memories, among many others.

AUGUST

A Miyake Movie Night for Regiff's birthday bash as he turned 22. The school boy in his 30 seconds to fame (pangarap nya maging artista. i am not lying. it's true. ;p). Nonetheless, he's the young one with big dreams, one of the many things I love about him. :) Pizza, drinks, and dessert at 28F. A mini photo booth, masks and feather boas the gang played around with.

August became the month of bittersweet endings and new beginnings. As my last day drew closer, too many mixed emotions were flowing in. This was my first job, first office, first workstation, first work friends, the firsts of everything about my career. My introduction to the real world, the actual experience of what used to be in mere four walls of a classroom.

Coffee runs with Mar in the morning. 4:00 PM habit with Reg and Rain. Flight booking breaks (goes with planning future adventures) with Shens. SameTime bullying with Giselle and Ryan S. "Lunch" pop-ups by Rye. Make-up sessions with Rain --- and everything in between. It felt like a whirlwind of emotions and memories and before I knew it...it was time pack up my high heels, surrender my TP, and say goodbye.

Leaving wasn't the easiest thing in the world, I must say. Plans, no matter how structured and seemingly full proof they are, never are. At the end of the day, still, decisions have to be made and sticking up to the very end is part of the whole shebang. After a year and a month, August 26, I was officially an Ex-IBMer.

The most difficult thing about leaving is being away (literally and geographically speaking) from friends I have come to love. From the original core group: Marion, Shena, Ryan S, Rye, and Reg -- to more crazy faces. :) Amidst all the everyday stress, being surrounded by great people was one of the best things that kept me going. They were practically my 'family' away from my home in the South. My day begins and ends with them.

The BIG move / move out. Moved out of the 28F north pad. For a year or so, I learned to live independently; paying utilities, attempting to clean, cook and be domesticated (when I did have the time) and running errands for myself. A test to independent living. Yes, it was funny. Believe me, I laughed at myself too with the mere thought of it. Still, I'm glad to have accepted the challenge and tried my best at it. Not bad for a first try. Maybe next time, I'll be better and probably make pancakes.

Since I moved all the way up north to take the job at IBM, it also meant starting a life there. Then came a time to leave all of it behind as well. That fateful day, it was again time to move out, move back home and move forward. Like a domino effect, one came after the other, one thing has to happen after one concludes, or even simultaneously. Changes...did not seem too many until you actually see it staring at your face, happening a little too fast.

And so, transition phase begins...

SEPTEMBER

After a two-week bum break, I was surprisingly back to work. A whole different playing field as it seemed. Timing is just a thing of beauty like what most people say. A good friend of my mom, Tita Susan, introduced me to a great career opportunity. She asked me to join her consulting team as a Project Associate and so I did, without hesitation. Completely different, nerve-wracking at times in a new context, experiential and just full of learning -- in short, what I didn't have much for quite a while. None of my typical work routines of working five to six times a week, reporting to work around 10 and leaving way past 10 too. I finally had my own time (sariling diskarte) with just two to three meetings in Makati or Alabang every week. However, that does not mean it was easy, as everything comes with a trade off, the privileges came with the challenges, life being life. Grateful to be with such bright and talented people, adjustment had to be quick for it was the latter part of the entire project. There was no time to waste and I had to catch up with the pace. With God's grace, I did make it through and blended well with my team members.

Celebrating one of the best people in my life, the one and only, Master Chef Marion. :) A day dedicated to celebrating Marion's presence in our lives --- through dessert making contest, karaoke, cocktails, good food and endless conversations only special people like us can understand. I can never say it enough how blessed I am to have met and have Marion as one of my best friends. She's as sweet as her cupcakes. Take a bite and check out Sweet Haven. (not kidding. she bakes and have really good cupcakes. buy now and indulge. ;p )

On other September news, that moment when I felt I just had to end something before it even started. --- I must say, one of the brightest decisions I have ever made. In the end, worked out better for the both of us I suppose. Some people are just meant to be "in between" people. If you're forcing it too much and it keeps repelling, I say, leave it alone.

Reunited with our Castillo cousins from Singapore, Australia, the US. Great to see them after...what felt like a gazillion years when we were still innocent little kiddies. :) Family is family.

Another good friend left for the US for a step up in her OT career, Momma Bebe, as we fondly call her. Despedida dinner at Chili's and dessert at Caffe Ti-Amo to make sure she leaves with a happy heart. That night, we were happy, excited and very proud of the great opportunity for Bebs and the new chapter that was about to unfold for her. Although, at the same time, sad about another one of our best friends leaving, we're comforted by the thought that distance is nothing compared to the friendship tested through time. Social networking have kept us connected since then.

NOVEMBER

Spent Camille's birthday weekend in Singapore. The first time I went to SG was for the Asian Youth Congress. I was in high school then with a silly crush. Coming back in November was...WOW, it has definitely grown in so many ways. It was a shopping marathon, alongside enjoying its food and culture. Train and bus rides, walking a lot, staying on the left side (otherwise you will be pushed. haha) and the really nice malls.

What I loved about SG the most is the discipline, something we need to work on in Manila...you know, having rules and actually following it. It has become my new dream for my country. Someday, we will also live in that orderly fashion, even better I presume. #itsmorefuninthephilippines

We can feed an army with our meals! :) Black pepper crabs, cereal prawns, cereal chicken, chicken rice...and it went on...and on...and on...

The SG Trip appeared to be the calm before the storm ---

The 'storm' like no other. A series of unfortunate events I did not see coming and I guess no one did either. My emotional armor was broken into tiny little pieces, could not withstand something this big, major and tragic. The heaviest and toughest part of year 2011 for me and my family. Those days, weeks, and months seemed like the worst I have ever seen myself, the most emotional I have been. Yes, you read that right, emotional. I've always been dramatic but rarely emotional. (Oh yes, there is a difference.) When things piece itself together, it becomes too strong of a force to take in. Suddenly everything seemed too difficult, too stressful, too dramatic. Hiding was with much effort, that every time, I felt like a walking time bomb waiting to explode. At one point, it seemed hopeless.

As all these things were happening, I felt like I wasn't ready. I wanted to go back to old adjustment anymore, an attempt to keep the crazy to a minimum. I did not want to deal with the fact that I had to start letting go of everything I left behind and everything I was left with. At one point, I refused to deal with it and just wanted all these feelings to go away, as if it was something possible. I hated the change. I hated that I could not fix my own mess. It was a transformation to a person I never knew, a complete stranger. I kept my mask on so no one would notice the change in me, the change into possibly a horrible person. But then, nothing can be kept a secret forever. Eventually, with help from a few of the wisest people in my life, thankfully I was pulled out of the dark.

Hold it, before we sulk in tears here. Remember, it's now 2012 and we're just looking back. So yes, I survived. :)

I always believe everyone, no matter how bad things seems to be in your life, your birthday has to be sacred and special. No one is supposed to be lonely on birthdays. Hey, it's your own personal holiday, own it.

November apparently is one of my busiest months for surprises. Three of the most important people in my life were born in November: my mom, my sister and my best friend, among other November babies. I just had to give them the best surprises, well at least the best for year 2011. Whole day of surprises for mom, treasure hunt for my sister and birthday salubong for my best friend.

Inspired by a series of unfortunate events, this was my way of helping out. What used to be volunteer work became a real full-time job. Yes, with a contract, probationary status and all that. I finally decided to join Seagulls as a bonafide employee. I am currently their Training Specialist.

Not to forget, November was also the month of getting into a few adult / big girl duties. I enrolled myself in a boxing gym as an outlet and an attempt to healthy, opened up a savings account, and finally entered Graduate School for MA in Clinical Psychology (and actually paid for it myself too).

DECEMBER

...and I was again a "newbie", a new member of the team. Before I knew it, Christmas drew closer. As some sort of initiation of being a newbie, I had to "shuffle". Shuffle, uh-huh, party rock shufflin'. I wanted the world to swallow me alive but with enough positive self-talk, I made it. :)

The one event that yearly brings Ohana together (supposedly everyone though) is the Annual Christmas Party. This year, the girls celebrated in red and white, a Candy Land Christmas. Our usual fun selves made it awesome as always. 'Name That Tune' ALMOST ended years of friendship. But no, we refused to let it bring us down. ;p Let's not forget, Pao and I's tradition of lighting up the night with sparklers to end the evening. Once again, another night to go down in history.

Christmas brings the family together. This year, we celebrated Christmas with Uncle Jack and his family for the first time ever. He is just too cool and 'steady'. I can now declare him to be one of my favorite Balikbayans. And what do you know, God has a way of surprising us. Christmas miracles do happen, we got one of our cousins back this Christmas. It was definitely one happiER Christmas. :)

A Post-Christmas celebration with my friends from the north. Like I said before, I don't believe in long distance relationships but with them, I have made an exception. It's always a great feeling to get together and feel like you've never left.

Things couldn't have been better. We got another one of our cousins back. I missed her a whole lot and so has the family. One of the best ways to greet the new year. :)

In one of those dark moments of mine, I was convinced that it was the worst year of my entire life. However, at the end of this entry, I guess I would have to take that back. Still one of the most challenging but heck, that's what life had to offer. It's only a matter of perspective now. Those tough times did not remain that way because no matter how long it took for me to get up, I did manage to pick up the pieces. Life just has its way of teaching us our much-needed-to-learn lessons.

There is not a single word to describe the year that was, not a single moment to define it either. New friends, stronger friendships. Moving out, moving back. Old time flames, almost lovers. Letting go, moving on. Bridging the gap, taking a leap. Making mistakes, learning the hard way. Big decisions, little steps. Hello's, goodbye's. Every picture had a story to tell but there will always be stories behind the lens. It wasn't the best but that's why there's always next year.

Two-zero-one-two, what have you got for me? Bring it on! I am ready for you. :)

Timing.

2011-12-06T07:27:00.001-08:00

Some people say it's all about timing. And I suppose so. That doesn't, however, make it an easy battle. It's actually one of those things you can't fight, naturally. Time -- can't stop it, can't take a step back, can't move ten times forward. Things can never be too easy, not for you, not for me, and not for anyone else. Just one of those things out of our control, in psychology, external locus of control. In a way, it's one way of making life a little extra interesting, a little more dramatic and a little more tragic. Tragedy isn't always as what we see in movies or read in books, that's still the glamorized way of putting things into context. These, right here, are real tragedies of life -- unedited, unmasked, may even be unthinkable. Whichever way, it still a thing of beauty, timing.